A Wonderful Life

My all time favorite movie is "It's a Wonderful Life." I remember watching it as a young child, so mesmerized by the story of a man who thinks that everyone would be better off if he had never been born. As a child, the movie gave me hope about the value of each and every life. In the movie, the character was shown how he had made a huge impact on those around him and if he had not been born, many lives around him would have been altered drastically. The movie affected me profoundly because I struggled with the issue of my existence as a child. I often wondered why I was born at all and for what reason. I would think to myself, what value do I add to this earth? Yes, pretty philosophical for a child, but when the adults around you don't let you know how valuable you are, you begin to question such things. All I knew was that the adults around me did not seem overjoyed about being parents, my dad was gone and my mom disappeared in her own way, emotionally. So this Frank Capra movie gave me hope! It must be true, I would think to myself, that I am here for a reason, even if those reasons were not clear to me at the time. I just trusted that like the character in the movie, my role here would eventually reveal itself. It is so amazing how a movie can be a guiding light for a child, but it was. Proof right there that Frank Capra and everyone involved in making that film, affected someones life, mine. Each soul makes an impact and leaves an imprint, forever shifting and changing everyone they touch. Now as a therapist, my role is to help each person value themselves and their lives. Like "It's a Wonderful Life," I try to help people find their way and to realize that they too are here for a reason. The movie also speaks to the issue of hope, faith and love....in the midst of pain and fear. The end of the movie is so inspiring, when he finally realizes that nothing really matters except love and that he wants to live. When he is surrounded by all of the people his life has touched, he smiles in acknowledgement that his life meant so much more than money, prestige and power. He is grateful in the end for just being alive and knowing that he truly had a wonderful life. That has been my journey too, to find my purpose, to know that I am here for a reason and that I have impacted people's lives for the better. I've come a long way from the lost little girl confused about her existence and can say with a smile now, that I have a wonderful life and I am deeply grateful to be here. If you happen to catch "It's a Wonderful Life" this holiday season, I hope it inspires you to ponder as well, how important your life is too. "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? [Inscribed in a copy of Tom Sawyer] "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence"...(It's a Wonderful Life).

Hanging On

"As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident"...(Peter Greene). The recent song to inspire me is "Hanging On" by Everyday Sunday. It's about a guy who notices that everybody around him wants to be found, but he is barely hanging on. I have counseled many people through the years, who came to me in that state...just barely managing to get through the day. Some had suicidal thoughts or had even attempted to end their lives. Some people told me later that if it hadn't been for counseling, they would have definitely ended their lives. Recently, my 14 year old niece received some devastating news. One of her best friends, someone she had known since Kindergarten, ended her life. A fourteen year old girl, so hopeless, that the only option she could see in front of her was to end things. How does a girl go from playing jump rope on the playground to growing into a teen, excited about boys, with her entire life ahead of her....to taking her life? Like so many who reach their breaking point, she had things in her life that felt insurmountable. Perhaps the triggers were her parents fighting or the fact that another girl kept bullying her...but in a moment of sheer pain, she couldn't hang on any longer. There are many souls out there that at this moment, they are barely hanging on. Sometimes there is something we can do to help and other times, our hands are tied. If someone keeps things bottled up and gives little to no signs that they are struggling, others may not know how much pain they are in. In other cases, denial can keep people from getting the help they or their loved ones so desperately need. I've talked to moms who have told me that their teen disclosed to them that they wanted to end their lives, but they just dismissed it as normal teen angst. Sure, sometimes when people are emotional, they may say things that they don't mean, but any disclosure about wanting to kill oneself should always be taken seriously. I've also counseled adults who admitted that their family system didn't take suicidal thoughts seriously and simply told them, "Don't talk like that." Denial is sometimes the biggest problem when it comes to suicide. Nobody wants to think that someone would or could actually take their own life. It happens all the time though and most recently there have been quite a few cases of teens, so overwhelmed by bullying that they took their own lives. When people feel that overwhelmed by life, there is no rational. The reasons and pressures can be numerous in life for teens like bickering parents, feeling like you don't fit it, failing grades, peer pressure and teasing. Adults aren't without their triggers too such as divorces, betrayals, losses of loved ones, failing health, financial devastation, and more. Whether it's a teen or an adult feeling as if they just can't hang on anymore....the pain they are feeling runs so deep that the world just caves in on them The hope is that someone is able to intervene and help guide them to healthier thoughts and out of the danger zone. Everyone has pressures after all and nobody is without stress. It is in how you manage that stress and the coping skills you develop to help you come out of pain stronger than ever. Friends, family, counselors, teachers, pastors can all be potential support networks to be able to just talk about feelings. If you know someone struggling, reach out to them and absolutely suggest counseling if the situation appears worrisome. Don't ever dismiss pleas for help as "drama." If someone is crying out for help, at least listen and get someone else involved to talk with them as well. We should never feel completely alone in this world...we are all here to help each other in whatever ways we can. As for the countless lost souls hanging on....don't give up. Things are never as bad as they seem. Just because life feels overwhelming sometimes does not mean the obstacles are insurmountable. Reach out for help and know that life can offer many opportunities for a fresh perspective, hope and a new day. To my niece's friend, the sweet soul who just crossed over, out thoughts and blessings are with you. "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"...(Franklin D. Roosevelt).

The Plunge

When my first two kids learned to swim, it was the normal process of watching them hover around the stairs of the pool until the age of 5 or so. Then progressively with swim classes, they spread their swimming wings and by six, were swimming independently. With my middle child, she was so stubborn and terrified that I could barely get her to let go of the edge. Once she became more confident however and honed her skills, swimming was a breeze. With my youngest, we decided to take a quicker route. Last summer at age three, he took an infant survival training class and had to show up for a quick ten minute class, every day for three weeks. It was intense. He was starting to realize that water really scared him and he was clinging to the pool stairs like the other two had done. At the first class he was baptised quickly and dropped gently under deep water. With a swift hand, the instructor swooped him up and just as he was gagging, catching his breath and begging her to stop, she released him under water again. This happened a dozen or so times (I stopped counting), and he quickly learned that he could hold his breath under water and that she would save him. When the class was over and he was lying on the towel at the side of the pool, he looked a bit traumatized. I bet he was wondering how his nice mommy could allow this to take place and how his teacher could say that he did a great job, when he cried and screamed the entire time. He was praised nonetheless and offered tattoo stamps to put on his hand. It's kinda funny when I think about it now. I bet he wanted to hurl those stamps into the deep end and say, "You gotta be kidding me, you tried to drown me and all I get is a measly hand stamp!" Not too surprisingly, he did not want me to take him to swim class the next day. He cried and pleaded with me to let him stay home. Nope, we got him to class and once again, he was dropped under water but this time he was made to save himself, by learning to float on his back. He looked incredibly miserable and cried so hard that he swallowed a lot of water and threw up. I'm surprised that another parent did not call the police on us. The teacher was calm as can be, gently praising every move. I sat smiling, cheering him on the whole time, hiding my shock and praying that this would make him stronger. Again, he was offered tattoo stamps for his hands and he grabbed those stamps like they were the best toy at the store. He gripped them for dear life and stamped several times on each hand, knowing full well that he had earned those gosh darned tattoo stamps! Day three and he pretended that he was sick. He tried so hard to convince me that he was really too sick to go to class. He couldn't fool me and once again he was tortured by his teacher, and made to go under, float on his back and this time kick under water to find the edge of the pool. Once he got himself to the side, he kept trying to get out of the pool (who could blame him), but she'd gently pull him back in. On day four, he knew that begging did not work so this time he just ran into the back yard and hid. We found him and the torture continued. On day five however, the crying stopped and he was absolutely swimming. It was amazing to see in five days, a kid that was terrified of going under water was now floating on his back, swimming to the side and going under water without panicking. Yes, it was basically the gentle and guided approach to the saying, sink or swim. He learned quickly from me and the instructor, that we believed in him. If we had stopped the class, due to his crying, we would have been teaching him that fear wins. The next several weeks, he went in and out of protesting occasionally, but his skills got stronger and the crying faded away. By the end of the third week, he was dropped into the water with a full snow suit on and he floated on his back with ease and got himself to the edge on his own. When we traveled last summer, we got to see his new skills in action. At the pools we visited, he jumped into the pools endlessly, since he had the confidence to swim to the side. He must have jumped in thousands of times last summer. His eyes were frequently so bloodshot that they looked red instead of blue, from swimming so much. He would be beaming with pride when he saw that he could keep up with the older kids. He was no longer the little guy on the stairs. You could see it in his eyes, that he felt like a big kid too. Now at age four and eight months later, he competes with his siblings to see who can hold their breath under water the longest. Sometimes he wins. At the hotel pool yesterday, he walked right up to the edge of the deep end and jumped right in. He has learned a lesson that will stick with him throughout life....that he can do anything. What a great lesson, that something that may terrify us at first can be our greatest teacher. Once my son overcame his fear, something replaced it....confidence. Something that terrifies us is meant to be conquered, not run from. I know that sometimes people retreat in fear and become afraid of risks, challenges and anything new. Instead, let fear guide you to take the plunge too and to keep going until you are no longer afraid. The hand stamp tattoo is symbolic for your reward, something that you receive after each challenge and is tattooed within....."I did it."