Rugged Terrain

"The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud." ~(Coco Chanel). I work with a group of 12 year old girls which is no easy task. I remember being 12. I felt awkward, self conscious and knew that my mom just didn't understand how I felt. It's especially tough being at that tender age and having a parent that is not around. Teens today don't seem to suffer in silence though, like I did when I was that age. Many post their suffering on Instagram or facebook. The upside is that peers and adults can be alerted if a teenager is crying out for help. If you are a teen that has seen peers vent their emotions on those sites, then you know what I mean. Adults should be aware of the sites their children are using and keep a eye out for warning signs their child might be displaying in what they are posting. How can I also begin to address the way in which many young people are getting quick fixes of attention from these sites. Adults are recruiting attention from these sights as well. The attention can have an up side and a down side. The attention and popularity is fake...yes fake. It consists of a bunch of other self conscious teens and tweens using their phones and computers to elevate their own statuses. The attention is much like a movie star basking in the limelight only to realize at some point that they don't know who their real friends are and that all of that attention doesn't make them feel any better at the end of the day. Genuine self worth comes from within, not from a bunch of "likes" on Instagram. How do you build self worth from within? First, you stop being fake. If you are people pleasing, you are being fake. You are showing people what you want them to see to get approval but then you end up fearing that you are a fake and someone will figure you out. You'll continue to up the ante....until you've lost touch with any shred of who you really are. So first step...stop people pleasing. What's the worse that can happen? People will get mad at you? Maybe that needs to happen so that you can start confronting what you are really feeling. Second, start talking about what you are feeling. Talk to a friend, a family member, a parent or a counselor but talk to somebody. Start doing things that you love. If you are always following the crowd to make others happy, be bold enough to go into a new direction. Follow your bliss, so to speak. When you were little you automatically did that. Four year old will lay down and throw a tantrum if they can't do what they want or get what they want and they always know what they want. Do you know what you love and what you really want anymore? Also, don't sulk and rebel either as a form of lashing out. It only hurts yourself. I'm sure you know adults who exude misery. Do you want to be around them? Well, people don't want to be around you if you are miserable, rolling your eyes or being disrespectful and mean. Take responsibility for your happiness and do something about it. Being a teenager is not an easy age. Ask any adult...and I mean any adult about their junior and high school years and some adults might even tear up immediately. Many adults who are angry and tough just numbed their adolescent pain and have probably never ever healed from it, let alone dealt with it. Heck, many adults never got off the adolescent path of insecurity or people pleasing and they either continued on that track or turned into bullies....tormenting others to have some control. Many adults are just wounded children and teens underneath that adult exterior. Some of the most wounded teens have ended up very successful, egotistic adults....still trying to prove that they aren't the awkward, geek they felt like in high school. If you think that adults don't suffer from fears, worries or doubts then you'd be very wrong...the insecurities are still there, just over different things. The trick is to feel more empowered. The key...be genuine, allow yourself to feel, dare to follow your own path and learn coping skills to feel more empowered.  "I am no bird; and no one ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will." ~ (Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre).

A Wonderful Life

My all time favorite movie is "It's a Wonderful Life." I remember watching it as a young child, so mesmerized by the story of a man who thinks that everyone would be better off if he had never been born. As a child, the movie gave me hope about the value of each and every life. In the movie, the character was shown how he had made a huge impact on those around him and if he had not been born, many lives around him would have been altered drastically. The movie affected me profoundly because I struggled with the issue of my existence as a child. I often wondered why I was born at all and for what reason. I would think to myself, what value do I add to this earth? Yes, pretty philosophical for a child, but when the adults around you don't let you know how valuable you are, you begin to question such things. All I knew was that the adults around me did not seem overjoyed about being parents, my dad was gone and my mom disappeared in her own way, emotionally. So this Frank Capra movie gave me hope! It must be true, I would think to myself, that I am here for a reason, even if those reasons were not clear to me at the time. I just trusted that like the character in the movie, my role here would eventually reveal itself. It is so amazing how a movie can be a guiding light for a child, but it was. Proof right there that Frank Capra and everyone involved in making that film, affected someones life, mine. Each soul makes an impact and leaves an imprint, forever shifting and changing everyone they touch. Now as a therapist, my role is to help each person value themselves and their lives. Like "It's a Wonderful Life," I try to help people find their way and to realize that they too are here for a reason. The movie also speaks to the issue of hope, faith and love....in the midst of pain and fear. The end of the movie is so inspiring, when he finally realizes that nothing really matters except love and that he wants to live. When he is surrounded by all of the people his life has touched, he smiles in acknowledgement that his life meant so much more than money, prestige and power. He is grateful in the end for just being alive and knowing that he truly had a wonderful life. That has been my journey too, to find my purpose, to know that I am here for a reason and that I have impacted people's lives for the better. I've come a long way from the lost little girl confused about her existence and can say with a smile now, that I have a wonderful life and I am deeply grateful to be here. If you happen to catch "It's a Wonderful Life" this holiday season, I hope it inspires you to ponder as well, how important your life is too. "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? [Inscribed in a copy of Tom Sawyer] "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence"...(It's a Wonderful Life).

Hanging On

"As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident"...(Peter Greene). The recent song to inspire me is "Hanging On" by Everyday Sunday. It's about a guy who notices that everybody around him wants to be found, but he is barely hanging on. I have counseled many people through the years, who came to me in that state...just barely managing to get through the day. Some had suicidal thoughts or had even attempted to end their lives. Some people told me later that if it hadn't been for counseling, they would have definitely ended their lives. Recently, my 14 year old niece received some devastating news. One of her best friends, someone she had known since Kindergarten, ended her life. A fourteen year old girl, so hopeless, that the only option she could see in front of her was to end things. How does a girl go from playing jump rope on the playground to growing into a teen, excited about boys, with her entire life ahead of her....to taking her life? Like so many who reach their breaking point, she had things in her life that felt insurmountable. Perhaps the triggers were her parents fighting or the fact that another girl kept bullying her...but in a moment of sheer pain, she couldn't hang on any longer. There are many souls out there that at this moment, they are barely hanging on. Sometimes there is something we can do to help and other times, our hands are tied. If someone keeps things bottled up and gives little to no signs that they are struggling, others may not know how much pain they are in. In other cases, denial can keep people from getting the help they or their loved ones so desperately need. I've talked to moms who have told me that their teen disclosed to them that they wanted to end their lives, but they just dismissed it as normal teen angst. Sure, sometimes when people are emotional, they may say things that they don't mean, but any disclosure about wanting to kill oneself should always be taken seriously. I've also counseled adults who admitted that their family system didn't take suicidal thoughts seriously and simply told them, "Don't talk like that." Denial is sometimes the biggest problem when it comes to suicide. Nobody wants to think that someone would or could actually take their own life. It happens all the time though and most recently there have been quite a few cases of teens, so overwhelmed by bullying that they took their own lives. When people feel that overwhelmed by life, there is no rational. The reasons and pressures can be numerous in life for teens like bickering parents, feeling like you don't fit it, failing grades, peer pressure and teasing. Adults aren't without their triggers too such as divorces, betrayals, losses of loved ones, failing health, financial devastation, and more. Whether it's a teen or an adult feeling as if they just can't hang on anymore....the pain they are feeling runs so deep that the world just caves in on them The hope is that someone is able to intervene and help guide them to healthier thoughts and out of the danger zone. Everyone has pressures after all and nobody is without stress. It is in how you manage that stress and the coping skills you develop to help you come out of pain stronger than ever. Friends, family, counselors, teachers, pastors can all be potential support networks to be able to just talk about feelings. If you know someone struggling, reach out to them and absolutely suggest counseling if the situation appears worrisome. Don't ever dismiss pleas for help as "drama." If someone is crying out for help, at least listen and get someone else involved to talk with them as well. We should never feel completely alone in this world...we are all here to help each other in whatever ways we can. As for the countless lost souls hanging on....don't give up. Things are never as bad as they seem. Just because life feels overwhelming sometimes does not mean the obstacles are insurmountable. Reach out for help and know that life can offer many opportunities for a fresh perspective, hope and a new day. To my niece's friend, the sweet soul who just crossed over, out thoughts and blessings are with you. "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"...(Franklin D. Roosevelt).

The Plunge

When my first two kids learned to swim, it was the normal process of watching them hover around the stairs of the pool until the age of 5 or so. Then progressively with swim classes, they spread their swimming wings and by six, were swimming independently. With my middle child, she was so stubborn and terrified that I could barely get her to let go of the edge. Once she became more confident however and honed her skills, swimming was a breeze. With my youngest, we decided to take a quicker route. Last summer at age three, he took an infant survival training class and had to show up for a quick ten minute class, every day for three weeks. It was intense. He was starting to realize that water really scared him and he was clinging to the pool stairs like the other two had done. At the first class he was baptised quickly and dropped gently under deep water. With a swift hand, the instructor swooped him up and just as he was gagging, catching his breath and begging her to stop, she released him under water again. This happened a dozen or so times (I stopped counting), and he quickly learned that he could hold his breath under water and that she would save him. When the class was over and he was lying on the towel at the side of the pool, he looked a bit traumatized. I bet he was wondering how his nice mommy could allow this to take place and how his teacher could say that he did a great job, when he cried and screamed the entire time. He was praised nonetheless and offered tattoo stamps to put on his hand. It's kinda funny when I think about it now. I bet he wanted to hurl those stamps into the deep end and say, "You gotta be kidding me, you tried to drown me and all I get is a measly hand stamp!" Not too surprisingly, he did not want me to take him to swim class the next day. He cried and pleaded with me to let him stay home. Nope, we got him to class and once again, he was dropped under water but this time he was made to save himself, by learning to float on his back. He looked incredibly miserable and cried so hard that he swallowed a lot of water and threw up. I'm surprised that another parent did not call the police on us. The teacher was calm as can be, gently praising every move. I sat smiling, cheering him on the whole time, hiding my shock and praying that this would make him stronger. Again, he was offered tattoo stamps for his hands and he grabbed those stamps like they were the best toy at the store. He gripped them for dear life and stamped several times on each hand, knowing full well that he had earned those gosh darned tattoo stamps! Day three and he pretended that he was sick. He tried so hard to convince me that he was really too sick to go to class. He couldn't fool me and once again he was tortured by his teacher, and made to go under, float on his back and this time kick under water to find the edge of the pool. Once he got himself to the side, he kept trying to get out of the pool (who could blame him), but she'd gently pull him back in. On day four, he knew that begging did not work so this time he just ran into the back yard and hid. We found him and the torture continued. On day five however, the crying stopped and he was absolutely swimming. It was amazing to see in five days, a kid that was terrified of going under water was now floating on his back, swimming to the side and going under water without panicking. Yes, it was basically the gentle and guided approach to the saying, sink or swim. He learned quickly from me and the instructor, that we believed in him. If we had stopped the class, due to his crying, we would have been teaching him that fear wins. The next several weeks, he went in and out of protesting occasionally, but his skills got stronger and the crying faded away. By the end of the third week, he was dropped into the water with a full snow suit on and he floated on his back with ease and got himself to the edge on his own. When we traveled last summer, we got to see his new skills in action. At the pools we visited, he jumped into the pools endlessly, since he had the confidence to swim to the side. He must have jumped in thousands of times last summer. His eyes were frequently so bloodshot that they looked red instead of blue, from swimming so much. He would be beaming with pride when he saw that he could keep up with the older kids. He was no longer the little guy on the stairs. You could see it in his eyes, that he felt like a big kid too. Now at age four and eight months later, he competes with his siblings to see who can hold their breath under water the longest. Sometimes he wins. At the hotel pool yesterday, he walked right up to the edge of the deep end and jumped right in. He has learned a lesson that will stick with him throughout life....that he can do anything. What a great lesson, that something that may terrify us at first can be our greatest teacher. Once my son overcame his fear, something replaced it....confidence. Something that terrifies us is meant to be conquered, not run from. I know that sometimes people retreat in fear and become afraid of risks, challenges and anything new. Instead, let fear guide you to take the plunge too and to keep going until you are no longer afraid. The hand stamp tattoo is symbolic for your reward, something that you receive after each challenge and is tattooed within....."I did it."

Fake It Until You Make It

In 1992, there I was a college graduate, waitressing and living in New York City. I was considering grad schools, but was still a bit lost, trying to find my way in my life. Then I was fired....yes fired as a waitress. Ironically, my boss said that I was not a team player! The reality was that I was miserable as a waitress and that man did me the biggest favor by firing me. The next day, I picked up the New York Times and answered an ad for a private camp counselor at a family owned camp in the Adirondack mountains in upstate New York. Being from California, I did not even know where that was, but the job sounded interesting. I showed up for the interview full of enthusiasm and hope that I would get the job, which would entail going to this family camp for one month and organizing and leading the group of grandchildren in activities. At the interview, the grandparents asked me a series of questions. They asked.....do you hike, play tennis, canoe? Have you led groups of kids on outings, camp outs, and overall been responsible for groups of children ranging in age from 2 to 14? The answer to all of the questions, YES, absolutely! The truth, NO to all of the questions. I knew that whatever I did not how to do, I could figure it out. Heck, I had babysat before, how hard could it be to lead a group of ten or so children? They hired me and there it was......I would have to fake it until I made it. What I was missing in skills, I made up in heart. I made up songs with the kids, quickly learned how to canoe by watching everyone else and tried so hard, that they never even noticed that I was learning on the job. The month was absolutely transforming for me. Hiking as it turned out, really showed me that I could achieve anything. I remember cheer leading the kids up the trail, secretly pushing myself all the way to the top as well. The kids and I really bonded over hiking as we all discovered that we could accomplish more than we ever thought we could. After that summer, the family loved me so much that I was hired as an assistant in their New York City office, which guaranteed that I would be the summer camp counselor each year. I worked for the family for five years while I attended grad schools, finished two masters degrees and finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life. Those five summers with the family in the Adirondacks taught me so much about myself. From the California girl who had little outdoor experience, I turned into an avid hiker, leading the crew of children up many of the highest peaks in New York State, completing over 35 hikes. I really found myself on those trails, discovering that I could do anything I set my mind to and that fear would never lead the way. I discovered an inner mountain girl that had been hiding who could be more resilient and stronger than I ever imagined. Last summer I took my niece Kaitlyn, who is 13 years old to those same hiking trails. She had never hiked before, but also pushed herself with every bit of strength and courage she could find within. I know she was nervous sometimes but pushed through her own fears. The lesson, never underestimate yourself and be willing to push yourself beyond your limits. You can always do more than you think you can. So, next time you are feeling insecure about your abilities, give yourself more credit, be willing to learn along the way, and as I realized.......sometimes you just have to absolutely, positively, fake it until you make it!

Attraction

Talking with my 13 year old niece today about boys was illuminating and brought me way back to my junior high school years. She has a crush on a boy named Scott and when I asked her what she likes about him, her response, "he's cute, nice and funny." She asked me if it's true what she has heard about boys that when they like you, "they tease you and torture you a bit?" "The torturing part has to be fun and lighthearted and if the boy is being mean, tell him to stop and walk away," I stressed. This boy Scott apparently jokes with her every day about how she dances and he always makes an effort to talk with her in class. Hm mm, it does not take a rocket scientist to figure this one out, of course he likes her. The nature of attraction does not change from when you are 13 to when you are 33, 43 or whatever. You are either attracted to someone or you are not. You can't force a square peg into a round hole, so to speak. Attraction goes much deeper than what your mind tells you. Yes, you can talk yourself out of what you are feeling, but you can't change what you are feeling. My 15 year old nephew says he looks for, "smart, cute and funny" in the girls he likes. Cute and funny seems to be the consensus. Cute goes back to basic attraction and each person certainly has their own perspective on what cute means. I have learned through the years that cute is not just about how someone looks, but their overall essence. There are very attractive, mean spirited people out there, which makes them very unattractive in my book. The funny factor is equally if not more important. My advice to them, always be with someone that makes you laugh. You truly have a soul connection with someone, when you get each other enough, to make one another laugh. It helps you take life less seriously. Of course at 13, my niece and nephew may not be too worried about a soul connection, it just may be who they think is cute. My advice to both of them, always pick nice people. Nice goes a long way in life. There is nothing more unappealing than "not nice" people. People pick "not nice" people all the time. That goes back to insecurities, not trusting one's heart and giving people the benefit of the doubt, when they really don't deserve it. I certainly dated several not nice people when I was a teenager and looking back, I should have paid more attention to how I was being treated. I have counseled so many bright individuals who admitted that they overlooked the mean behaviors their partner's displayed because they assumed the best intentions instead of seeing the behavior for what it really was, just plain mean, selfish and rude. Nice people also start to display "not nice" behaviors to each other when they have been hurt, aren't happy and begin pushing each other away. The lesson, figuring out who you are, what you want and not settling for terrible just to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or a date to the prom. The discussion with my niece concluded with me imparting some of the wisdom I have gained through the years. "Kaitlyn," I said: "Don't dismiss bad behaviors; Expect the very best for yourself (people often spend more time picking out an outfit or buying the right car, then really being aware of what they want and how they feel in a relationship); Look deeply at who the person is and how they act in a variety of situations; Ask yourself, are they respectful to you and everyone that they encounter?; Make sure they are always nice to you; Make each other laugh and of course follow your heart".....

Nobody is Perfect

When I was younger, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, especially when I was a teenager. With wisdom has come much clarity and acceptance that perfection is an illusion. What a relief to not have to be perfect! I know as a teenager, there may seem like a lot of pressure to be perfect. There are pressures from parents and teachers to do well in school and peer pressures to fit in. I remember as a teen, feeling like somehow I never measured up to my own high expectations or my perception of what was expected of me. It made me feel pretty bad most of the time. Be realistic however.....how many adults do you know who are perfect? You will not find one, because it is just not possible. Sure, you might find judgemental adults who tell you everything you are doing wrong, but they are not perfect, they are just being critical. Often, the most critical adults are perfectionists, who are incredibly hard on themselves and everyone around them. When you can begin to see the adults around you as imperfect individuals, filled with their own insecurities, you can begin to see yourself more clearly as well. Trust me, nobody is perfect! I teach a class called "Clear Your Clutter" yet my desk, car and garage have been known to be cluttered. The upside of a cluttered trunk in my mini-van is that I always have my hiking shoes and backpack ready for a spontaneous hike and can find spare clothes for the kids in a pinch. I have incredible patience, but.....after my three kids have been screaming and fighting incessantly, I can even lose it once in awhile. I am a Psychotherapist and I am always behind on my paperwork and billing. I somehow manage to juggle what seems like a million things and once in awhile, something gets missed. We have missed several homework assignments, because I did not look thoroughly through the endless paperwork that comes home in the kids backpacks. Thank you cards for kids birthday parties may or may not get out. I did streamline that one and started handing out thank you cards AT the party as the kids and parents were leaving. Some parents praised me on that idea and said they are going to start using that little trick too. I have to congratulate myself though, because I manage to get a heck of a lot done, compared to what little actually gets missed. You see, not being perfect has its perks. If you focus on what you are getting done, rather than feeling terrible about what you forgot....you end up feeling pretty good at the end of the day. My kids know that I am not perfect and I don't expect them to be. If they spill their juice, they clean it up because it's no big deal. They work on being responsible, but they are realistic as are we, about what that entails. My son knows that he should give his work his all...but some days, his all may be 50 percent capacity. Isn't that true for all of us. I have my stellar, full of energy days where I feel like I have had 20 cups of coffee and accomplish so much. Other days, I can barely manage to get through the day with getting one to two things done. Our energy levels peak and wane, so relaxing on the perfection issue can be one less pressure. I just can't keep up with the whole, perfect mom syndrome. I watch moms compete for the best dressed or brightest children contest. I refuse to compete.....way too much pressure for the kids and just plain illusion for the parents. I am proud of my 6 year old tomboy daughter with her torn, baggy jeans and her surf board motif t-shirt with probably some stains on it. What the heck, I've gotta let her be herself! If my youngest begs to wear his PJ's to school, we strike a deal and he wears his Spiderman jammie shirt with his jeans. Who can blame him? That Spiderman shirt is pretty cool! So on a good day, you might catch me with a clean car and I look pretty put together. On a crazy day, that's another story. You'll probably see me at Starbucks grabbing a Venti coffee, a little haggard from the morning, running late for work. Stacy and Clinton, from the show What Not To Wear would have crucified me today for wearing sweatpants, an over sized sweatshirt and a baseball cap to get coffee. Perfection is the illusion of the ego and a heck of a lot of pressure. Sure, there are times when striving for the best can be important, like in competitive sports, academics and eventually your career. It can motivate us to work harder and strive for our goals. Don't be too hard on yourself however and do not worry so much about what other people think. The journey through the teen years as well as your entire life is about loving who you are. It all starts with you! Overall in life and with oneself, perfection is a goal one can never really reach. It is the little secret in life I wish I had been told when I was 13. DON'T TRY TO BE PERFECT!!! Enjoy your non-perfection....bask in it and just plain enjoy being you. "The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else, which makes you unique"....(Walt Disney).