Fake It Until You Make It

In 1992, there I was a college graduate, waitressing and living in New York City. I was considering grad schools, but was still a bit lost, trying to find my way in my life. Then I was fired....yes fired as a waitress. Ironically, my boss said that I was not a team player! The reality was that I was miserable as a waitress and that man did me the biggest favor by firing me. The next day, I picked up the New York Times and answered an ad for a private camp counselor at a family owned camp in the Adirondack mountains in upstate New York. Being from California, I did not even know where that was, but the job sounded interesting. I showed up for the interview full of enthusiasm and hope that I would get the job, which would entail going to this family camp for one month and organizing and leading the group of grandchildren in activities. At the interview, the grandparents asked me a series of questions. They asked.....do you hike, play tennis, canoe? Have you led groups of kids on outings, camp outs, and overall been responsible for groups of children ranging in age from 2 to 14? The answer to all of the questions, YES, absolutely! The truth, NO to all of the questions. I knew that whatever I did not how to do, I could figure it out. Heck, I had babysat before, how hard could it be to lead a group of ten or so children? They hired me and there it was......I would have to fake it until I made it. What I was missing in skills, I made up in heart. I made up songs with the kids, quickly learned how to canoe by watching everyone else and tried so hard, that they never even noticed that I was learning on the job. The month was absolutely transforming for me. Hiking as it turned out, really showed me that I could achieve anything. I remember cheer leading the kids up the trail, secretly pushing myself all the way to the top as well. The kids and I really bonded over hiking as we all discovered that we could accomplish more than we ever thought we could. After that summer, the family loved me so much that I was hired as an assistant in their New York City office, which guaranteed that I would be the summer camp counselor each year. I worked for the family for five years while I attended grad schools, finished two masters degrees and finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life. Those five summers with the family in the Adirondacks taught me so much about myself. From the California girl who had little outdoor experience, I turned into an avid hiker, leading the crew of children up many of the highest peaks in New York State, completing over 35 hikes. I really found myself on those trails, discovering that I could do anything I set my mind to and that fear would never lead the way. I discovered an inner mountain girl that had been hiding who could be more resilient and stronger than I ever imagined. Last summer I took my niece Kaitlyn, who is 13 years old to those same hiking trails. She had never hiked before, but also pushed herself with every bit of strength and courage she could find within. I know she was nervous sometimes but pushed through her own fears. The lesson, never underestimate yourself and be willing to push yourself beyond your limits. You can always do more than you think you can. So, next time you are feeling insecure about your abilities, give yourself more credit, be willing to learn along the way, and as I realized.......sometimes you just have to absolutely, positively, fake it until you make it!

Attraction

Talking with my 13 year old niece today about boys was illuminating and brought me way back to my junior high school years. She has a crush on a boy named Scott and when I asked her what she likes about him, her response, "he's cute, nice and funny." She asked me if it's true what she has heard about boys that when they like you, "they tease you and torture you a bit?" "The torturing part has to be fun and lighthearted and if the boy is being mean, tell him to stop and walk away," I stressed. This boy Scott apparently jokes with her every day about how she dances and he always makes an effort to talk with her in class. Hm mm, it does not take a rocket scientist to figure this one out, of course he likes her. The nature of attraction does not change from when you are 13 to when you are 33, 43 or whatever. You are either attracted to someone or you are not. You can't force a square peg into a round hole, so to speak. Attraction goes much deeper than what your mind tells you. Yes, you can talk yourself out of what you are feeling, but you can't change what you are feeling. My 15 year old nephew says he looks for, "smart, cute and funny" in the girls he likes. Cute and funny seems to be the consensus. Cute goes back to basic attraction and each person certainly has their own perspective on what cute means. I have learned through the years that cute is not just about how someone looks, but their overall essence. There are very attractive, mean spirited people out there, which makes them very unattractive in my book. The funny factor is equally if not more important. My advice to them, always be with someone that makes you laugh. You truly have a soul connection with someone, when you get each other enough, to make one another laugh. It helps you take life less seriously. Of course at 13, my niece and nephew may not be too worried about a soul connection, it just may be who they think is cute. My advice to both of them, always pick nice people. Nice goes a long way in life. There is nothing more unappealing than "not nice" people. People pick "not nice" people all the time. That goes back to insecurities, not trusting one's heart and giving people the benefit of the doubt, when they really don't deserve it. I certainly dated several not nice people when I was a teenager and looking back, I should have paid more attention to how I was being treated. I have counseled so many bright individuals who admitted that they overlooked the mean behaviors their partner's displayed because they assumed the best intentions instead of seeing the behavior for what it really was, just plain mean, selfish and rude. Nice people also start to display "not nice" behaviors to each other when they have been hurt, aren't happy and begin pushing each other away. The lesson, figuring out who you are, what you want and not settling for terrible just to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or a date to the prom. The discussion with my niece concluded with me imparting some of the wisdom I have gained through the years. "Kaitlyn," I said: "Don't dismiss bad behaviors; Expect the very best for yourself (people often spend more time picking out an outfit or buying the right car, then really being aware of what they want and how they feel in a relationship); Look deeply at who the person is and how they act in a variety of situations; Ask yourself, are they respectful to you and everyone that they encounter?; Make sure they are always nice to you; Make each other laugh and of course follow your heart".....

Nobody is Perfect

When I was younger, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, especially when I was a teenager. With wisdom has come much clarity and acceptance that perfection is an illusion. What a relief to not have to be perfect! I know as a teenager, there may seem like a lot of pressure to be perfect. There are pressures from parents and teachers to do well in school and peer pressures to fit in. I remember as a teen, feeling like somehow I never measured up to my own high expectations or my perception of what was expected of me. It made me feel pretty bad most of the time. Be realistic however.....how many adults do you know who are perfect? You will not find one, because it is just not possible. Sure, you might find judgemental adults who tell you everything you are doing wrong, but they are not perfect, they are just being critical. Often, the most critical adults are perfectionists, who are incredibly hard on themselves and everyone around them. When you can begin to see the adults around you as imperfect individuals, filled with their own insecurities, you can begin to see yourself more clearly as well. Trust me, nobody is perfect! I teach a class called "Clear Your Clutter" yet my desk, car and garage have been known to be cluttered. The upside of a cluttered trunk in my mini-van is that I always have my hiking shoes and backpack ready for a spontaneous hike and can find spare clothes for the kids in a pinch. I have incredible patience, but.....after my three kids have been screaming and fighting incessantly, I can even lose it once in awhile. I am a Psychotherapist and I am always behind on my paperwork and billing. I somehow manage to juggle what seems like a million things and once in awhile, something gets missed. We have missed several homework assignments, because I did not look thoroughly through the endless paperwork that comes home in the kids backpacks. Thank you cards for kids birthday parties may or may not get out. I did streamline that one and started handing out thank you cards AT the party as the kids and parents were leaving. Some parents praised me on that idea and said they are going to start using that little trick too. I have to congratulate myself though, because I manage to get a heck of a lot done, compared to what little actually gets missed. You see, not being perfect has its perks. If you focus on what you are getting done, rather than feeling terrible about what you forgot....you end up feeling pretty good at the end of the day. My kids know that I am not perfect and I don't expect them to be. If they spill their juice, they clean it up because it's no big deal. They work on being responsible, but they are realistic as are we, about what that entails. My son knows that he should give his work his all...but some days, his all may be 50 percent capacity. Isn't that true for all of us. I have my stellar, full of energy days where I feel like I have had 20 cups of coffee and accomplish so much. Other days, I can barely manage to get through the day with getting one to two things done. Our energy levels peak and wane, so relaxing on the perfection issue can be one less pressure. I just can't keep up with the whole, perfect mom syndrome. I watch moms compete for the best dressed or brightest children contest. I refuse to compete.....way too much pressure for the kids and just plain illusion for the parents. I am proud of my 6 year old tomboy daughter with her torn, baggy jeans and her surf board motif t-shirt with probably some stains on it. What the heck, I've gotta let her be herself! If my youngest begs to wear his PJ's to school, we strike a deal and he wears his Spiderman jammie shirt with his jeans. Who can blame him? That Spiderman shirt is pretty cool! So on a good day, you might catch me with a clean car and I look pretty put together. On a crazy day, that's another story. You'll probably see me at Starbucks grabbing a Venti coffee, a little haggard from the morning, running late for work. Stacy and Clinton, from the show What Not To Wear would have crucified me today for wearing sweatpants, an over sized sweatshirt and a baseball cap to get coffee. Perfection is the illusion of the ego and a heck of a lot of pressure. Sure, there are times when striving for the best can be important, like in competitive sports, academics and eventually your career. It can motivate us to work harder and strive for our goals. Don't be too hard on yourself however and do not worry so much about what other people think. The journey through the teen years as well as your entire life is about loving who you are. It all starts with you! Overall in life and with oneself, perfection is a goal one can never really reach. It is the little secret in life I wish I had been told when I was 13. DON'T TRY TO BE PERFECT!!! Enjoy your non-perfection....bask in it and just plain enjoy being you. "The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else, which makes you unique"....(Walt Disney).

Life is a Hike

The thing I love about hiking mountains is that there is a clear goal, get to the top! Half way up you begin to wonder, "why am I doing this again," then you remember that there is a clear goal, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich you get to eat when you get to the top. That sandwich always motivates me! Of course I can't wait to take in the view, but when you have been hiking for hours and your legs are so tired they feel like spaghetti and it feels like you'll never get there, that sandwich seems more important than the view. When I arrive at the top, rest and eat, I sit in wonder staring out at the gorgeous view and congratulate myself for making it to the top. It is an amazing feeling. Hiking is a metaphor for life. You are on your journey..... sometimes you take in the view, sometimes you're so tired that you feel like giving up and other days, you just want to get to the top. With each hike as with each step on our journey in life, we get to the goal and assess, rest, take in the view and set our next goal. The journey of life is a series of hikes. Oh sure, some people just opt out and stay at the bottom of the mountain making excuses as to why they can't hike. I've met many of those non-hikers. They gave up on themselves and life and sleepwalk through life. They claim that they could hike the highest peaks, so to speak, but never take a step onto the trail. There are also those who start hiking and give up along the way. Lacking in enough self worth to climb to the top, they stop somewhere along the trail and turn back. They complain too, stating endless excuses as to why they have to stop but claim they "could have" made it to the top if they wanted to, but why bother. They are the poor me hikers. They at least engage in their life, but they keep giving up on themselves instead of following through to their goal. The non-hikers and poor me hikers are dictated by fear. That is all it is, fear, plain and simple. They live with the many excuses that fear creates, "it's raining, I'll do it tomorrow (tomorrow never comes), I can't do it, it's their fault, I would if..., it's too hard, what if I get hurt, I'm too good to hike, I could hike the highest peak if I wanted to", etc, etc. Okay, the hikers, the one's that make it to the top are afraid too. They may even have some self-worth issues (who doesn't), but they never let their fears stop them. Our journey and our series of hikes is about engaging in our journey. Nobody can make the climb for us and everyone has fear. Don't ever let fear stop you from taking that first step onto the trail and continuing to take steps until you get to the top. As for love, love yourself enough to believe that your journey is worth it. No matter what issues you are battling, scars from the past you carry or perceived hardships, start with a glimmer of love and take the first step onto the trail and don't look back until you've reached the top.